I think that a lot of the time, the reason we have such a hard time forgiving our enemies or those who do us wrong, is that we fail to see our own faults. We fail to see the role that we played in what happened; where we went wrong. We fail to take responsibility for our shortcomings, and become victims.

Which gets us nowhere fast. When we do this, we stop growing, we cease to move forward. Because we are ignoring the problems. We are refusing to see our faults and work on them. We can't blame the people who hurt us forever, yes they did do something that isn't right, yes it hurt us (sometimes a great deal), but we also hurt ourselves. We allowed this to happen just as much as they made it happen. We made it happen just as much as they did. We are equally responsible. The blame rests with both parties. If we never forgive ourselves, we can never forgive them. And if we chose not to forgive, we will remain bitter forever. We will remain where we are and never grow. We will never learn the joy that forgiveness does bring.

For the most part. sometimes it isn't like this, but usually it is. usually we both people are in the wrong somewhere.

I realized this when recently I saw an ex-boyfriend downtown with another girl. It didn't bother me that he was with another girl (although I can't help but worry for her) I chose to leave the relationship because the relationship was slightly abusive and he was using me. mainly for his own pleasure. He did not care about me at all, just what I could do for him, what he could talk me into doing for his pleasure and so forth. So I have no feelings for him.I But I stopped breathing, I completely and totally panicked. Then I started to get angry. And eventually depressed. A reaction I most assuredly did not expect, just like I did not expect to see him.

The depression set on when I realized that he still had power over me. He doesn't know it, but I do. It's a debilitating feeling. You feel so hopeless. And then the questions started; what if ? what if I had done something differently? what if? what if? Or; does he remember? does he sit there with that other girl on the sea wall and remember all the times we sat there? our first date? does he remember? does he think of that? does he think of me? does he regret it? do i? why do I care? did he really not feel anything for me? how could he lie so well? how could I?  again why do I care? And I just get more upset.

And once it starts, it doesn't go away. It just continues. I know I am supposed to forgive my enemies. God tells me to do this, Jesus expressed this myriads of times. But at that moment, I felt so bitter towards him. And it shocked me. Because I thought I had been moving forward, I thought I had forgiven him, I thought I was past this, that I forgave him and all was well.

I thought wrong.

I thought I had forgiven him, But I had not. I had not confronted my own blame in this mess. It was just as much my fault as it was his. Laying all the blame on him and then saying I forgave him is an easy way out for me, and not forgiveness at all. That's just blame and victimization. That's an excuse for me. Yes what he did to me was wrong, but what I did to him was also wrong. We wronged ourselves and each other. The blame is not with one or the other, but with both. What he did to me may have been more hurtful, but who are we to judge? only God knows what is true, and of course we are going to feel whatever was done to us is worse! It ends up being a moot point. So because I had not recognized my own faults, when I thought I was moving forward, I was not going anywhere. Because I had not confronted my own guilt and role in this, I could not forgive myself, which is necessary to forgive him. If I can't forgive myself, and realize where I went wrong, how can I forgive anyone? 

I finally came clean. I accepted my role in what occurred. It didn't fix things right off, but it's a start. It's not going to be easy. I have to learn how to take myself and what I feel out of the equation to realize where I went wrong and accept that and also forgive myself instead of continuing to beat myself up about it. If we continue to condemn ourselves in these situations, we tend to keep condemning the other person as well. 

This was a difficult lesson for me, but now I can truly begin to heal. Now God can really help me move forward. Now I won't freak out anymore.

"I packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on"

This summer has been a very thoughtful time for me. And lately I have been thinking more than ever. Turning 18 has really made me think about things... and summer for me always  feels more like a new year than any other time.

so this maybe a little too thoughtful or rambling (or maybe even too touchy-feely)... but forgive me. I just want to see what you think... share ideas.. maybe get some input. :) so here we go.

I've realized that a lot of what happened to me this year was my own doing. I was responsible for it because I stood out of the way and let it happen. I can't play a victim. I was in my own way. (confusing huh?) And I have been in my own way for QUITE a long time. it is an odd thing, but I had turned friendship and love into an idol. an idol is "anything other than God that we rely on as a source of life" and this can be very disastrous.

It was for me.

When we turn from God and begin to get our core sense of being fully alive from people or other things, we will end up doing anything to get it. whatever it is. And for me it was relationships with other people. The sense of being loved and valued by my peers and the opposite sex. And I did do just about everything to get this. And that is a unfortunate but true statement about the past year. I went over board because I thought I was going to obtain what  I considered the most valued of relationships. I lost just about everything trying to obtain life from something and someone who could never give me love, let alone life.

This was a shocking revelation for me. One that just happened today. I recently listened to a podcast of Greg Boyd and he was talking about "embracing  the pain" that when we avoid pain, we do not grow, we do not learn. We do not move forward. And I was thinking about this and decided it was time to face some of the more painful truths that I had been ignoring about what happened in this past year. It was time to grow, to learn, to heal and move on. And when I was thinking about all of this and the parts that we both played in this, I came to the realization that I had turned love and friendship into an idol.

I was trying to get life from people and relationships and that just is NOT possible. We are meant to love one another and have deep and meaningful relationships with one another, but we should never get our core sense of life from these things. It makes the relationship unhealthy (no matter what kind it is) and drives you to do things you would , under normal circumstances, never DREAM of doing to maintain these relationships or obtain them.

It happened to me thats for sure. I traded just about everything I had. My friends, my time, my energy, my life, my money, my home, my family, my innocence, mylove. And all of it went into the garbage in the end. "you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me" was what he was saying all along. but I only listened to the part I wanted to hear And put in everything to create a love that never did or even could exist. It is madness and an incredibly stupid risk. Thankfully though, God preserved  my most valued things; my family and friends. I did not lose them. And they have helped me through these weird times so much. I could never thank them enough for that. When things got bad they never ran, they were always there. And now I can truly appreciate them that much more now that I can have a normal friendship with them. Now that I have learned my mistake, I can forge better friendships and build on the ones I have now. :) its wonderful.

I also have learned that it takes the nasty times in life to discover the people who truly care about you and love you. because they are the ones who will not run away in the times when you need them. they will always be there to listen or just to chill with. They will support you and help you. And again I thank those who have done that for me. I could never be more grateful. I hope one day I can do the same for you. :)

In the end, it was like I was the judge writing out my death sentence, and he was the executioner; only doing what I gave him permission to do. We are both to blame. However most of the blame rests with me. I put everything I had on the line, I risked it all, and lost a good deal of it. And the trade was most assuredly NOT worth it.

But at the same time it was, because as Tyler said "If you learned something from it, then it was worth it, because you wont make those same mistakes again"

And that is also why we need to "embrace the pain" so we can realize what is wrong and learn from it, heal from it. And most importantly grow. And grow closer to God.

As it turns out a lot of the time we are masking a pain that we never knew even existed ( we have gotten so good at running away) and ignoring really big problems that need to be fixed asap. I was shocked at what I found out. And amazed at what I learned from it in a single night.

I could have lost so much more than I did. I am so thankful that is not the case.

And now I can truly move forward.

so I don't ask names anymore

"sometimes i think this cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again"

I've recently realized that i have completely stopped using people's names. It's really weird. I do not use names when I am talking to people directly.

And I am wondering if it is because I am afraid I will get too attached and then will lose them. In books, when the author wants you to get attached to a character, they will give them a name. when you name a pet, you become more attached to it. Names=attachment.

And for me, I worry about attachment because I have learned not a lot of things are permanent. very very few things are. People come and go in life. And I do not like getting left behind or losing someone. But that happens in life, usually only a few close friends stay, and a lot of other people move on. It's just part of life. And I need to stop being afraid.

so I really need to start using names. Because it is impersonal not to. and it bothers me that I don't. And I think it offends people too. I mean I like to be greeted by my name, so I assume that other people do as well. especially people you have known for a long time. it's way better to hear "hey, Katie whats up?" rather than "heyyyy! how are you?" It's just friendlier. so yeah...

names are just difficult.