I think that a lot of the time, the reason we have such a hard time forgiving our enemies or those who do us wrong, is that we fail to see our own faults. We fail to see the role that we played in what happened; where we went wrong. We fail to take responsibility for our shortcomings, and become victims.

Which gets us nowhere fast. When we do this, we stop growing, we cease to move forward. Because we are ignoring the problems. We are refusing to see our faults and work on them. We can't blame the people who hurt us forever, yes they did do something that isn't right, yes it hurt us (sometimes a great deal), but we also hurt ourselves. We allowed this to happen just as much as they made it happen. We made it happen just as much as they did. We are equally responsible. The blame rests with both parties. If we never forgive ourselves, we can never forgive them. And if we chose not to forgive, we will remain bitter forever. We will remain where we are and never grow. We will never learn the joy that forgiveness does bring.

For the most part. sometimes it isn't like this, but usually it is. usually we both people are in the wrong somewhere.

I realized this when recently I saw an ex-boyfriend downtown with another girl. It didn't bother me that he was with another girl (although I can't help but worry for her) I chose to leave the relationship because the relationship was slightly abusive and he was using me. mainly for his own pleasure. He did not care about me at all, just what I could do for him, what he could talk me into doing for his pleasure and so forth. So I have no feelings for him.I But I stopped breathing, I completely and totally panicked. Then I started to get angry. And eventually depressed. A reaction I most assuredly did not expect, just like I did not expect to see him.

The depression set on when I realized that he still had power over me. He doesn't know it, but I do. It's a debilitating feeling. You feel so hopeless. And then the questions started; what if ? what if I had done something differently? what if? what if? Or; does he remember? does he sit there with that other girl on the sea wall and remember all the times we sat there? our first date? does he remember? does he think of that? does he think of me? does he regret it? do i? why do I care? did he really not feel anything for me? how could he lie so well? how could I?  again why do I care? And I just get more upset.

And once it starts, it doesn't go away. It just continues. I know I am supposed to forgive my enemies. God tells me to do this, Jesus expressed this myriads of times. But at that moment, I felt so bitter towards him. And it shocked me. Because I thought I had been moving forward, I thought I had forgiven him, I thought I was past this, that I forgave him and all was well.

I thought wrong.

I thought I had forgiven him, But I had not. I had not confronted my own blame in this mess. It was just as much my fault as it was his. Laying all the blame on him and then saying I forgave him is an easy way out for me, and not forgiveness at all. That's just blame and victimization. That's an excuse for me. Yes what he did to me was wrong, but what I did to him was also wrong. We wronged ourselves and each other. The blame is not with one or the other, but with both. What he did to me may have been more hurtful, but who are we to judge? only God knows what is true, and of course we are going to feel whatever was done to us is worse! It ends up being a moot point. So because I had not recognized my own faults, when I thought I was moving forward, I was not going anywhere. Because I had not confronted my own guilt and role in this, I could not forgive myself, which is necessary to forgive him. If I can't forgive myself, and realize where I went wrong, how can I forgive anyone? 

I finally came clean. I accepted my role in what occurred. It didn't fix things right off, but it's a start. It's not going to be easy. I have to learn how to take myself and what I feel out of the equation to realize where I went wrong and accept that and also forgive myself instead of continuing to beat myself up about it. If we continue to condemn ourselves in these situations, we tend to keep condemning the other person as well. 

This was a difficult lesson for me, but now I can truly begin to heal. Now God can really help me move forward. Now I won't freak out anymore.