"I packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on"

This summer has been a very thoughtful time for me. And lately I have been thinking more than ever. Turning 18 has really made me think about things... and summer for me always  feels more like a new year than any other time.

so this maybe a little too thoughtful or rambling (or maybe even too touchy-feely)... but forgive me. I just want to see what you think... share ideas.. maybe get some input. :) so here we go.

I've realized that a lot of what happened to me this year was my own doing. I was responsible for it because I stood out of the way and let it happen. I can't play a victim. I was in my own way. (confusing huh?) And I have been in my own way for QUITE a long time. it is an odd thing, but I had turned friendship and love into an idol. an idol is "anything other than God that we rely on as a source of life" and this can be very disastrous.

It was for me.

When we turn from God and begin to get our core sense of being fully alive from people or other things, we will end up doing anything to get it. whatever it is. And for me it was relationships with other people. The sense of being loved and valued by my peers and the opposite sex. And I did do just about everything to get this. And that is a unfortunate but true statement about the past year. I went over board because I thought I was going to obtain what  I considered the most valued of relationships. I lost just about everything trying to obtain life from something and someone who could never give me love, let alone life.

This was a shocking revelation for me. One that just happened today. I recently listened to a podcast of Greg Boyd and he was talking about "embracing  the pain" that when we avoid pain, we do not grow, we do not learn. We do not move forward. And I was thinking about this and decided it was time to face some of the more painful truths that I had been ignoring about what happened in this past year. It was time to grow, to learn, to heal and move on. And when I was thinking about all of this and the parts that we both played in this, I came to the realization that I had turned love and friendship into an idol.

I was trying to get life from people and relationships and that just is NOT possible. We are meant to love one another and have deep and meaningful relationships with one another, but we should never get our core sense of life from these things. It makes the relationship unhealthy (no matter what kind it is) and drives you to do things you would , under normal circumstances, never DREAM of doing to maintain these relationships or obtain them.

It happened to me thats for sure. I traded just about everything I had. My friends, my time, my energy, my life, my money, my home, my family, my innocence, mylove. And all of it went into the garbage in the end. "you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me" was what he was saying all along. but I only listened to the part I wanted to hear And put in everything to create a love that never did or even could exist. It is madness and an incredibly stupid risk. Thankfully though, God preserved  my most valued things; my family and friends. I did not lose them. And they have helped me through these weird times so much. I could never thank them enough for that. When things got bad they never ran, they were always there. And now I can truly appreciate them that much more now that I can have a normal friendship with them. Now that I have learned my mistake, I can forge better friendships and build on the ones I have now. :) its wonderful.

I also have learned that it takes the nasty times in life to discover the people who truly care about you and love you. because they are the ones who will not run away in the times when you need them. they will always be there to listen or just to chill with. They will support you and help you. And again I thank those who have done that for me. I could never be more grateful. I hope one day I can do the same for you. :)

In the end, it was like I was the judge writing out my death sentence, and he was the executioner; only doing what I gave him permission to do. We are both to blame. However most of the blame rests with me. I put everything I had on the line, I risked it all, and lost a good deal of it. And the trade was most assuredly NOT worth it.

But at the same time it was, because as Tyler said "If you learned something from it, then it was worth it, because you wont make those same mistakes again"

And that is also why we need to "embrace the pain" so we can realize what is wrong and learn from it, heal from it. And most importantly grow. And grow closer to God.

As it turns out a lot of the time we are masking a pain that we never knew even existed ( we have gotten so good at running away) and ignoring really big problems that need to be fixed asap. I was shocked at what I found out. And amazed at what I learned from it in a single night.

I could have lost so much more than I did. I am so thankful that is not the case.

And now I can truly move forward.